I feel so incredibly sad and hurt. We talked in the early days about not letting this happen, but it has, and now the friendship is dead. I know I am not blameless in this, I fully accept I have been a large part of the problem. But what is most upsetting is being labelled the only problem. And the hurtful words spoken not to me, but knowingly within earshot. I've seen kids in the movies curled up in bed, fingers in ears, cover over their heads trying to drown out some domestic, and I almost saw humour in doing the same thing today, the comic book comedy of acting out such a stereotyped behaviour. I feel so completely and horribly alone.

Morning coffee

‘You guys have the day off?’

Smiling, ‘Not exactly. Students.’ She takes another sip of her coffee enjoying it’s warmth and the cozy feeling it creates deep in her belly.

They sit perched at the bar, papers strewn on the counter half heartedly reading, picking at the headlines and an apple cinnamon muffin. Chuckling at bylines.

‘You wanna do the quiz?’

‘What type of animal is a rearmouse?’

‘A bird?’

‘Nope. Bat.’

A tram rattles down the street outside the front picture window.

‘Let’s find a house for Susan.’

She flips through the glossy pages imagining the lives going on in the picture perfect rooms.

‘You guys looking to buy?’

‘We wish. It’s just nice to see what’s around. My Aunt is looking for a place.’

‘It can be worth it, you know. We thought we could never afford the place we live in now. But then the top bidder pulled out so we got it. We really love the place.’

The barista turns his head and smiles at the bespeckled man standing near the counter.

‘Cappuccino please….Are you reading that? Thanks’

The barista goes to work, the coffee machine hissing and chugging.

Another tram lurches by and he checks his phone for the time a frown forming on his face.

‘Next tram..I've got work to do before class.’

They pay and kiss quickly. He runs to the approaching tram and jumps on. She heads down the street and holds tight in her pockets the warmth of the lazy morning.

Getting off the treadmill

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the assumptions I have always made about my life. Or, maybe not assumptions, but the sort of automatic pilot ideas I had of the progression of my life. Finish high school. Finish university. Get a job. Buy a house. Start a family.

It turns out there are so many more decisions that I hadn't really thought about. Like, when exactly should I finish with being a student? And what KIND of job should I get? Not just whether it should be a 9-5 job sort of thing or something more flexible, or self-created but also, what KIND of job in a more general sense. And I still don't know. And then there's the question of where I should do this job? Perhaps coming and living in another country has opened up the whole world and now the decision of where seems not only to include what city, but also what state, province, country. And then, what about other types of place decision. I can feel the shine coming off of big-city living, but would I eventually start to feel the suffocation I used to feel if I lived somewhere small?

Sometimes it is hard to know if you are moving towards what you really want when you have things like rent and bills to worry about, and what should we have for dinner tonight and, hey, it's been a while since we caught up with so and so, we should really make some plans.

We spent a weekend away, in the country. Not a tiny town, but not exactly a huge metropolis either. And I know it was a holiday weekend in fantastic company, so of course it was going to be great, but well, it was really great. And I wondered, wouldn't it be nice to not worry about anything and to feel open space around us all the time?

Daydreaming I often think of a life spent on a small piece of land somewhere in the country, with dogs running around. Making and growing my own food. Lots of walks in the woods. Lots of fire lit dinner parties and board games. A simpler life than all this running around.

But then, is that just greener grass in a life I really know nothing about? Or should it be a goal? Is that what I should be trying to make happen? And what about money? Haven't I always wanted a successful career?

I have realized that a lot of my worries about being successful have nothing to do with me and have everything to do with failing to live up to the expectations of all those people who encouraged me when I was younger. And not only them, but also a vain feeling of wanting to prove to everyone that I CAN amount to something big. And I'd like to move past that to a point where the only person's expectations I want to live up to are my own. I'd like to want happiness and not success the most.

Phew. Feels good to get some of that out of my head.

So, yeah, this medium is apparently not working for me so much these days. Or maybe I'm just not making the effort anymore, but either way, I don't really see that fact changing any time soon, yet have a weird attachment to this dormant blog that means I can't delete it either. Infrequent posting it is.

2008 came in with a lack of fireworks but plenty of heat from the soaring mercury: the hottest day I have ever experienced, 43 degrees celcius said the car thermostat around 2pm. Ick. Another strange thing about living in an actually hot climate has been my slow change to agreeing with all those people who fell on the cold side of the hot vs cold argument. They were absolutly right, you CAN bundle up in the cold, but there are not enough removable layers when it comes to a 43 degree day.

Maybe I'm feeling like posting about this now that I am once again sitting in the balmy heat, this time on a hot Autumn night (who starts seasons according to the start of months?? Australia apparently). Today was 20 degrees hotter than the average temperature for this time of the year, a searing 40 degrees. I've now gotten better with coping: plan A: Don't leave the house until the house and outdoors have reached an equilibrium, at which point flee to the nearest air conditioned haven. Or if that's not an option, an ice-cold cider, a wet face cloth and the fan on blast work too.

Off to find some cold cider.

Kicking up dust

On days like today, when work is so slow I can feel time coming almost to a halt, I start to feel that antsy feeling again. It's not just time that seems to have stopped, it feels like my progression towards something or anything has stopped too. My thesis is progressing at barely a snail's pace, and my enthusiasm for it seems to be waning. I am scared at the thought of next year. What next? To stay or to go?

Last night P and I had dinner with an old friend of his who has been working in an Aboriginal community near Alice Springs. We got to talking about my trip to the centre: this time two years ago. And I started to think today about how different my life is now. I am amazed at how much things can change in such a short period of time. Despite the fact that I'm in the same job as I was then (eesh) I have such different friends, I spend my days differently, my social life has changed. Lots has been for the better, but some bits I wish I could get back. I need to relearn that awe feeling where everything is new. I guess that's the whole paradox with routines: it feels good in that secure kind of way, but also stifling.

So my thoughts turn to changes that could be, namely, going back to Canada: would it be a return to old patterns? Have the changes I feel I've made stay, or are they just circumstantial? Would I find the same comfort and belonging feeling I have here back in the country I actually feel I identify more with (which I haven't managed in the past)? Would I regret a life spent with little face to face contact with my closest family if I did stay here?

I know that for progress to happen things need to change. I just wish I had a better idea what the changes should be.

Lots of things swirling around in this head of mine.

Max

I will preface this post by saying that all you loyal readers (umm, if any) should be very glad that I don't have a dog of my own, as no doubt this would become purely a recepticle for (what I think are) cute dog photos.

That being said, this week and next I AM the proud owner, or, keeper of an adorable pup called Max. I can't get over how nice it is to have another warm being around the house all day while I attempt to work away at my thesis. As far as dogs go I am probably getting spoiled as being 9 years old, Max is not exactly oozing with energy, and would prefer to mostly just sit in "his" chair all day sleeping.

But occassionally he will sit in front of me whining with what can only be interepreted as deperation and beg me with his massive puppy dog eyes for a scratch around the ears and a pat (at which he rolls his eyes in pleasure.)

I want a puppy.

Back..and whining

Winter has well and truly set in, and with it come those requisite blahs. Again I'm feeling restless, eager for something new and fresh to happen, but aware of how deeply entrenched I am in the ongoing things in my life (think: school school school!)

I tested my first participant yesterday and it was..mediocre. I wouldn't say it was a complete failure, but it wasn't great either. One session down, only 204 to go. ugh.

Really, I think I'm feeling homesick. And probably homesick in that sense that they talk about in Garden State, for that place that no longer exists. So I long for the one that DID exist knowing full well that even when I visit Canada in a few months, I won't really be going to the home in my head, even though the location is the same. Actually, this home sickness has been a really unexpected side effect to facebook. Seeing what so many people I knew from that time are doing makes me both happy and very sad at the same time. I am glad that so many people appear to have their lives together, and so happy to reconnect with some old friends. But it also reminds me of how lost I still feel. I have no more idea now what I want to do with my life than I did when I left Canada two and a half years ago! I think maybe I've been waiting for something to force my hand, force me to decide what to do. And now I'm realizing that it might not happen and I may just have to go with..something.

My dad arrives tomorrow..so I'll get a little home comfort: someone who knows me in the way that only time creates. And maybe the fact that I'm even writing this means I'm another step closer to bringing myself out of this little rut. Here's hoping.

Dear new reader,
I think you may have found my blog on accidental purpose. I know I certainly wasn't out at uni-hospital-where-supervisor-works this morning, but someone there browsed around for a bit today and a few days ago too. I have a sneaking suspicion I know who you are, but can't be certain. If it's you C, please let me know!

Cheers,
CT